By now, we're all used to seeing the McDonald's Happy Meals, the crappy plastic dolls and all the other garbage that accompanies any large movie release. It's a way for studios to recoup some of their costs, and to get a chunk of paid-for advertising, while the fast food companies drag gullible kids and their parents into their 'restaurants' as the toy manufacturers clean up. (Assuming the movie's a hit, of course -- and even then it's not always guaranteed. Anyone care for a warehouse full of Jar-Jar Binks models?)

So, since Spider-Man is probably the largest release so far this year (it opens in the States on May 3rd), we were -- of course -- expecting to see more of the same. But this time the studio seems to have no shame at all; it's co-operated with at least two companies to produce TV ads that are unbelievably bad, and which do nothing except devalue the movie before it's even opened.

The first is Cingular Wireless. They've produced a TV spot which tells us that Spider-Man travels around a lot, but that when he does, he wants a cell phone service with no roaming or long distance charges -- so he chooses Cingular. OK, could be worse, although it's amazing that Columbia approved (and presumably assisted with) the actual film that accompanies this message, since it's not exactly great. (Make that: crappy, tacky and cheap-looking.) Oh, and if you go to the Cingular Web site, you can download Spider-Man ring tones for your phone -- only 99 cents each! How nice.

Could be worse? Oh yes, it certainly could. Carl's Jr. takes the prize for tackiest, crappiest, what-the-hell-were-they-thinkingest advert. "Spider-Man only takes his mask off for one thing. Well, make that two things," they say, as we segue from actual movie scenes to a specially-shot scene where we see the superhero use his web-shooting wrists to snag a Carl's Jr. Super Star burger. What the fuck were Columbia thinking? Everyone we know who's seen this has been amazed and appalled at such a tacky, obvious approach. Come on, Columbia -- it's not like this film is going to be a commercial failure. Did you really need a few extra dollars so badly that you felt it was worth devaluing your movie to such an extent?

On the other hand, this is the company that's currently being sued for digitally replacing competitors' adverts seen in shots of Times Square in the film, so perhaps we shouldn't be too surprised.